Kim Kardashian

9am | Wakes up, rolls over and notices Ryan Seacrest lying beside her with a video camera set up at the edge of the bed.

10am | Has breakfast which consists of drinking hot water and lemon followed by purging.

12pm | Kim and Humphries meet for lunch to go over the plan: Their fake marriage has so far netted them her $100 million. Kim smiles while Kris questions whether or not they actually could have found love together. She responds by telling him to “grow up”.

2pm | Shows up on set of “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. She shoots a scene telling her mom “to go bleep herself” 12 times. The executive producers slap fives.

4pm | Another magazine cover photo shoot with Marie Claire…she pronounces it “Marie Kler”. The “sad wife” themed shoot shows her sewing with a do rag on her head.

6pm | Drives around the city looking for TMZ who surprisingly forgot to be at her door this morning.

8pm | Gets home to chastise her sisters Kourtney and Chewbaca. They lash out jealously…Kim’s happy.

9pm | Kim shows up at TAO with her entourage (whose names she can’t seem to remember). She asks the bartender to create a Kim Kardashian martini. He has no idea what she’s talking about. He’s later fired.

1am |  After being grinded by 12 random men (who will never wash their penis’ ever again), Kim shows up at Mike “The Situation”‘s house for a booty call. The smell of olive oil and cologne on his Chorizo sausage makes her gag. She runs out there promptly but accidentally leaves her cell phone behind. Mike looks to the camera and winks.

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